I don’t cry. It’s just not a good idea. I get all red and it’s just not attractive…why would anyone want to look at someone that’s all red and blotchy, with a runny nose, getting all emotional and whatnot? Just doesn’t seem like a very good, or productive, idea. However, it occasionally does happen when I least expect it. Until today, I could count on 2 fingers how many times I have lost my composure at work – today was number 3. I completely lost it. I even got hugged…the girl with an abundance of personal space issues got hugged at work…seriously.
Why would this otherwise relatively sane woman lose her mind at work? We are well past the point when our paperwork should have shown up at the Korean embassy from the Holt agency in Korea. We even have the poor, harrassed folks at the national visa center (who we call daily), telling us that something is wrong and it shouldn’t take this long. Okay, I’m impatient, but why would that bring me to tears? I was doing okay. It feels like a lifetime that I’ve been patient – 5 minutes is too long for me normally, so it really has been a lifetime. I was managing it and only getting slightly irritated. Well, today we gave an award out to someone on our team. I went up and down the aisles, rallying the troops to get everyone together outside my office to present it. The buzz started almost immediately…she got the call. This is it…she’s going to tell us she’s going. This is so exciting…I’m so happy for her. I almost lost it right there in front of my whole team.
Silly me…I lost it in front of my boss instead. Luckily, she’s a working mom and has had her own such moments. She laughed because she told me she would hug me, but was afraid I’d slug her. Finally she just did it anyway and let me cry. I ended up making it through most of the day…just feeling run down, unhappy, and more than slightly ill. I called Christopher at one point in the day to get me a few more hours of energy, and then finally came home and called my dad for his famous logic. While I know that “not everyone in the world operates at my level of expectation. It sucks having to depend on them for something so important. I have to accept it and move on. I may not like it, but sometimes that happens in life.”…it was comfortaing to hear him say it and know that another overachiever control freak with OCD has had to depend on the abilities of others where his children were concerned – and not always so happy to have to deal with it.
With those words of wisdom, some laughter , and a bit of political debate (sure to fire me up and make me “mad away” my unhappiness), I was well on my way to recovery. Now I’m working my way through writing it down to purge it out…and a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate jimmies. Not everything can be fixed by talking it out or writting it down…but ice cream can cure A LOT.
I have to trust that things are happening the way they are supposed to. I know for FACT that Henry was meant to be ours. There are families that were on the list before us that are STILL waiting. There is a reason why they picked us out of order to be Henry’s parents. Patiences doesn’t come easy to this OCD control freak and I’m truly losing my head. I just hope we get that call soon. While I know in the end that this will all be a nit in our memories and seem like it was long ago and a small price to pay, it seems overwhelming while we’re in it.
